Music, mourning, and family narrative

(I wrote this post before we learned of the complex family and historical background of the alleged Boston Marathon bombers. I was again going to postpone publishing it. But I wonder if these ideas of mourning and family narrative have something to add as we struggle to make sense of the events of the past week. There seems to have been a tragic and deadly coming together of what French psychoanalysts Francoise Davoine and Jean-Max Gaudelliere, in their book History Beyond Trauma, refer to as "big history" reverberating in individual family history. It is hard to say any more when at this time we really know so little. Rather than making any further explicit connection, I will simply share my post below. It offers what I think can be a message of hope.)

I have been meaning for some time to write a blog post about Dar Williams'  beautiful and profound song "After All." A chance meeting with Marshal Duke, the lead researcher referenced in a recent New York Times article, The Family Stories that Bind Us, provided the inspiration.

Duke's research along with that of Robyn Fivush, has shown a clear correlation between a child's knowledge of family narrative and such qualities as resilience and positive self esteem. In a 2008 paper they describe the "intergenerational self." They write:

It is this intergenerational self and the strength and guidance that seem to derive from it that are associated with increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved chances of good clinical outcomes.

William's song, both the lyrics and the music, provides solid evidence for this theory. In it she describes her struggles with pain and sadness, and her journey to find a way to embrace life.  The lyrics speak to the importance of family narrative. 

And if I was to sleep

I knew my family had more truth to tell

And so I traveled down a whispering well

To know myself through them

The historical nature of this narrative is clear in these lyrics.

Sometimes the truth is like a second chance

I am the daughter of a great romance

And they are the children of the war

For the full impact of the song, I hope that readers will listen to it. For in my view, it is not simply the telling of the story that is important. In order for parents to pass the family narrative on to their children in a way that is meaningful and useful, the feelings associated with the story, which often includes trauma, loss, and grief, must also have found a way to be expressed. This is easier said than done. It involves having a safe, containing, holding environment in which the stories can be understood.  A secure, trusting relationship with someone who can hear the story is important.  Art, including music and literature, can have a role to play as well. Those feelings are certainly present in Williams' music. In her introduction to this live version, she expresses surprise to have discovered a large community of people who could relate to her experience.

Go ahead push your luck

Find out how much love the world can hold

Once upon a time I had control and reined my soul in tight

Well the whole truth

Is like the story of a wave unfurled

But I held the evil of the world

So I stopped the tide

Froze it up from inside

And it felt like

A winter machine that you go through and then

You catch your breath and winter starts again

And everyone else is spring bound

But when I chose to live

There was no joy it's just a line I crossed

It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost

So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep

I knew my family had more truth to tell

And so I traveled down a whispering well

To know myself through them

Growing up my mom had a room full of books

And hid away in there

Her father raging down a spiral stair

Till he found someone most days his son

And sometimes I think my father, too, is a refugee

I know they tried to keep their pain from me

They could not see what it was for

But now I'm sleeping fine

Sometimes the truth is like a second chance

I am the daughter of a great romance

And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose

With so many colors it nearly broke my heart

It worked me over like a work of art

And I was a part of all that

So go ahead push your luck

Say what it is you gotta say to me

We will push on into that mystery

And it will push right back

And there are worse things than that

'cause for every price and every penance that I could think of

It's better to have fallen in love

Than never to have fallen at all

'cause when you live in a world

Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be

And now I laugh at how the world changed me

I think life chose me

After all